Picnic

I've had a couple of small panic attacks in the past 24 hours. I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep what with all the racing my mind was doing, worries about money, whether I'm making myself unemployable by being out of the job market so long, etc. rumbling and tumbling in my head. And then today I made the horrible mistake of looking at my law school's online job postings. Oh my was that a really really bad idea. I saw a posting for the job that had sort of been my ideal escape plan back when I was working - pre year-off brainstorm. And what with the new car, and the sudden hit that my savings account has taken, and just general anxiety that is setting in as I get close to the 6 month mark, it sent me spinning. Maybe I should apply? Maybe that would be the right and responsible thing to do? The two people I was IMing with when I saw the posting sure thought so.

But it doesn't feel right. Stop, I'm not going to start thinking about all the pros and cons again because I'll undo all the good that was done by the intended subject of this post. With me completely freaking out at him by IM, my dear friend Zach suggested I come over to his house and he'd feed me tuna salad and we could go for a walk on the beach. When I showed up it was to see this lovely picnic lunch, complete with tablecloth and linen napkins set up in his beautiful overgrown yard full of wildflowers. It was so perfect. We talked about the snobs you have to deal with working in retail, insurance, ugly babies, and other inocuous subjects and when the shadows covered the table we retired to the beach where a little light exercise on a clear day in beautiful surroundings cleared the remnants of clutter from my head and left me calm and still. This kind of afternoon is why I'm not ready to go back to work, and, perhaps as importantly, this kind of beauty is why I'm not ready to move back to the big city. Any big city.