I'm spending Christmas day alone. It's the first time I've ever been completely alone on Christmas. Once when I was in college I had to catch a 6 am flight to Cuba on December 25, but even then my mom and stepdad drove me to the airport the night before and we had a depressing dinner at a HoJo and I was at least with my mom for a few blurry minutes on Christmas morning at the gate. I tried to avoid telling people about my holiday non-plans, because when I did I got the immediate look of pity and, perhaps, from really good friends, an invitation to intrude on their holiday. And both made me want to cry because I love Christmas. I love wrapping Christmas presents, and listening to Johnny Mathis, and making fudge, and watching marathons of my favorite holiday movies and, most of all, spending time with my extended family. Well, I'm just checking in to let you know that as of 8:00 am on Christmas morning I feel . . . fine. Completely and totally fine. Really. I'm not trying to put on a good face. I actually feel fine! Believe me, I'm as shocked as you are. I cried almost constantly on my last two days at work (more on that later) and on Saturday when I saw We are Marshall I was a sopping mess, but a pretty searching inventory of my inner life finds . . . well, frustration with myself for not having finished packing, excitement over the prospect of hitting the open road that leads to family, a powerful urge to watch an Alias marathon (instead of packing) while eating the entire pack of iced sugar cookies I had the foresight to buy yesterday, and not a single tear in sight. With a year looming where I'll be able to spend so many days with the people I love, one day alone, that looks a lot like the day I spent alone yesterday (which I quite enjoyed by the way), and that probably won't be all that different than the day I'll in all liklihood spend alone tomorrow, doesn't seem so bad. Huh. What a pleasant surprise. Is this what it feels like to have a healthy perspective not chemically induced by a little prescription pill? Feels good. And no room spinning side effects!
Best wishes for a very merry Christmas to all. And if you don't celebrate Christmas, have a fantastic day off.
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