Jinx!

Yesterday was awful. I got bad news about a family friend from my mother, and about three elderly relatives from my grandmother, and the final horrible thing that could happen to L, happened. Inexplicably I was already exhausted, and each successive wave of bad news made me cry and left me less able to cope with the next. By five o'clock I couldn't deal with one more human drama.

That sounds so horrible. My mom, my grandmother, and L had far worse days than I did, but I'm the one who couldn't deal with any more. It made me realize how fragile my current mental peace really is. Sure I can be calm and reasonably competent so long as I am well rested and facing only a mild, manageable form of stress. But throw me into a highly emotional situation when I'm a little tired? I become a basket case.

So I mowed my lawn. And I apologized, and said I just couldn't go out to dinner even though L needed the support. And I felt like a bad friend, but I sat on my newly mown lawn drinking iced tea and reading a mystery until I couldn't even do that any more and I went to bed at 8:45. I've been finding myself in the position of advice giver a lot lately, and I keep telling people it's OK to be selfish, necessary even. And now I know I'm right. Because this morning I'm well rested, and I feel capable of providing support if anybody I love needs it. Last night, I couldn't. Last night was awful.